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Please note: the text is smaller in some places so that the poem will fit into the available width without changing the poet's formatting. Thank you.
    

Stand here.
Feel the creep of undertow
pull moving gritty ledges
from beneath your life.
Don't fall!
Don't drop into my nightmare.

Blinking can't forestall it.
Sight is pressed from eyes
in densely questing hurt
whose creeping brink of flashing glass
draws all
to terrifying Void.

The gentle lap
of common doings in the halls
is insane rushing violence in the head.
The other side of Too Much:
Sense concedes.

The loss makes up
       and up
              and up
    in Pain.
Its crushing mindless beating
locks,
    in Thrall.
      
I watch.

( He keens and pitches in its dance.
The stricken beast
would have the axe --
the polished heavy blade
with levered grip --
to split and break him open
bringing blessed ordinary pain.
    Release. )

I can't.
    My job's to calmly watch.

It   doesn't   end  . . .
    I can't.
     
Crisis.    I call out.
Reintegrated by this effort now,
I'm led to where I must convulse
in bitter homage to its passing.
Only when I'm cramped and spent
does hostage sight
return to me.

I see
from forty years gone by
as yesterday.
    ( A strange edge of light
    can mirror
    blinding unexpected fright! )
But no,
it has been that long since.

Oh my God
    my God!
It's worse now!
    Now it's worse:
I gave it to my daughter now.
    Now I gave it to my son.

I tell myself
( myself alone
the one whose soul
might put to me
this bargain )
that I will take it back
and have it for them.
Live it all again.
Spare them what I've known.
My children.
Trusting children.

        Do you know that I would do this?

        ( Do I? )

Forgive me

I am guilty.
Guilty, 
     having asked.

© 2002

When I get home
The lights are off
My wife lays in bed
with ice on her head
I ask her what's wrong
and to me
It sounds like the
same old song

I'll never understand
the pain
How it can last
for days
without a real cure
It's just another headache
I used to say
But after all
these years
I'm just not so sure
Hopefully, one day
it won't be a question anymore

© 2002

It begins like an army of dull hammers,
Waging war on your skull.
Trying to destroy it,
shatter it into a million pieces.
To win this battle,
To conquer you, and be your ruler.
But it already holds the remote-control
To your life.

Then your head is a drum,
With a rock-star musician
Practicing his hardest.
Using his drumsticks as lethal weapons.
Temporarily disabling you,
Until intermission.

Ophthalmological illusions creep up,
Accompanying the head pain,
as stink accompanies a dumpster.
Always blurriness and blind spots,
Sometimes colors and odd shapes-
a private fireworks display,
Except pleasure is replaced by pain,
And they don't just come on July 4th,
But whenever they want,
An unwelcomed guest,
With no warning.

Concentration collapses.
Your mind is a foggy cloud,
Your brain, a camera with a broken focus lens.
It leaves you unable to comprehend,
Or understand anything,
except for the pain.
Simple math becomes so difficult,
Unless one plus one
Really does equal... five?

Noise is an unavoidable enemy,
While silence is a true friend,
That hides in the shadows,
And is as plentiful as aliens.
But it understands, and it isn't
A mocking parrot, a Curious George,
A (wannabe) lie detector, or a laughing hyena,
Like the rest of the world,
Who can't imagine what your going through,
In the midst of a migraine.

© 2002

            A monster exists in my head.  He has taken up residence with
lock and key behind my eyes.  With every twinge of pain in my eye, I hear
his key in the door.

            My brain becomes his shooting gallery.  He straps on his steel
studded cleats as he uses the inside of my skull for his running track.  His
claws rip and shred at my brain.  The torture continues almost to the point
of death.  Then suddenly he stops to let me live so he can torture me again,
and again, and again.

 When the pain finally stops, I collapse in exhaustion. This monster has
taken my identity.  I have no control over his visits.  He holds my life in
the palm of his callused hand.  All I can do is curl up in the corner of my
mind and wait for his next assault.

            The monster has a name.  "CLUSTER HEADACHES", and there is no
cure.  I suffer from chronic cluster headaches.  I experience 3-4 a day with
a duration time of two to three hours each time.  You see, monsters really
do exist, even if only in the mind.

© 2002

The earth needs the sun to survive
I put on sunglasses and hide
Pull down the shades to keep out the light
Like Dracula, I need the darkness of night.

I am so sick of being sick, tired of bailing out on co-workers
With such terrible pain, I think it would damage the brain
Sometimes the pain is so bad I think I might die
Sometimes I wouldn't mind if I did.

I miss a meal, sleep too late, or worse can't sleep at all
Is it my fault I'm just trying to live my life?
The weather changes, a stranger in the elevator wears perfume
How do I control migraine triggers beyond my control?

One doctor said migraines are not disabling like cancer or AIDS
True, they're not likely to kill me.
But what is the cost of a lost afternoon, a lost week?
It's missing your child's soccer game and spending the family vacation in bed

My hope: Scientists, people much wiser than me
Will learn something new about brain chemistry
And find a miracle cure with a guarantee
Then in my hope, of all hopes, we all will be free.

© 2002

Welcome to my nightmare, now what do you fear;
Not being able to provide for those you hold dear;
Taking medicine that clears your mind and steals who you are;
Or after a night of pain watching the sun rise from afar;
Or stare at an injection you don't want to take;
And at the first sign of pain , fill with hate;
You fight the pain, but never truly win;
hen wait for the next day to start over again.
 

© 2002

There is a light, dancing and strobing within my eyes
A beautiful vision if only its true purpose were naught
For this is the aura, the harbinger of things to come
And not a light show that my mind ever sought

The pain arrives suddenly, as the flash of a lightning bolt
Or slowly, as the thunder of a far off storm
Building and raging inside my head
With an intensity that exceeds every norm

My eyes close at the light, praying for the darkness to come
My world becomes very small, now all within my head
The throbbing pain at every sound as the storm goes on
And I try to lie motionless and ease my pain upon the bed

The terrible storm continues to rage, assaulting my entire being
Waves of nausea wash over me bringing new misery
The throbbing and pain just weren't enough
The migraine had to deliver these new feelings to me

The medications I have taken don't seem to work
Not even enough to allow a few minutes rest
I want to consume the entire bottle at once
But know even that won't quell this tempest.

I want to lie still, but know that I can't
I curl up in a ball, and pray for relief
Please take this pain away from me
It's just too much and I can't stand the grief

The ebbing of nausea shows the medications are working
I feel some relief as the pain dims a little
The storm is easing, passing into the distance
It's not over yet, but I've reached the middle

The pain starts to subside and I lie very still
Afraid to move, fearing the return of the storm
As suddenly as it came, the tempest is over
I feel weak and drained, certainly not my norm

I've survived another migraine, my personal storm
That rages within me, no one else can discern
The thunder and lightning that strike me inside
Is mine, only mine, and I know will surely return.

© 2002

© 2002

Warriors arising and waging battle
with flashing lights and bottomless pits.
Prison bars of pain wreck havoc on
my soul and those of my loved ones.
My pain is reflected in their eyes.

Agony for minutes, hours, and days.
Longing for freedom, relief, an
escape from these soldiers of pain
who show no mercy.
Tormenting me, robbing me of sleep.
Why is this familiar stranger stalking
me waiting for the opportunity to
once more chain me within the bars
of a migraine?

© 2002

Stabbing, jabbing
Ripping, tearing -at my brain. It's soaking me up.
The unwanted guest filters itself through my existence
It wants to own me. Have I given up the fight?

Take a pill, and then take a chill, my bottles filled,
Will this help?
Please can you do something for this pain?
Could you please see me today, it's an emergency.
My head is swollen. My face hurts me.

How much can I deal with today, will it be the limit?
Doctor, I don't have health insurance, but I give up.
I'll pay you whatever my pocket holds
If you can make my vision clear again.

How many hours have I lain here? Did they forget about me?
I am not panicking. I am in safe hands. They must help me.
My eyes scream, over their tortured confusion.
Doctor I see two of you.

Turn around, turn over, and let's try another shot.
This one is stronger. You should be fine.
Here's a prescription; this should work.
You again? You can't keep coming here this place is for emergencies.

Can you turn the light off please?
It's awful to see.
Why can't I just get a new face?
I imagine a beheading, but seriously think I may die.

It's your sinuses; inhale some spray. Be careful; that's addictive.
But it's the only relief I can find!
Critters called bacteria are trying to eat you up.
Others look at me in disgust. Infection you say?

Prescription number three,
How many milligrams?
Antibiotics are like gold,
But nothing is like the Demorral.

It's the weather, and the changes that affect you,
Haven't I lived here all my life?
The weather can't get inside my head,
Even the weather wouldn't do this to me.

Deal with it,
You're just one of those people.
Good luck. I hope you feel better. Yeah, me too!
I cannot live much longer this way.

Over two months later,
I wake up, and my eyes invite fresh hope,
 But I find the same undesired guest in my bed and in my head.
The rushing, crushing, excruciating pain,
I am still waiting to feel something other than a headache.

I wait until Thursday when the CAT scan will save my sanity.
Or will it?

© 2002

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like,
to have no bad Migraine Attack,
To do the things that I need to do,
without this pain and sickness too!
I feel like I have made God mad,
to have this pain to hurt so bad
It hurts so bad right to the brain, but
all the tests just show the same,
I feel so bad for those who've
died, and all around them friends who've cried.
They won't suffer anymore,
they won't feel the pain, up in Heaven is where
they'll be, waiting to see
friends again.

© 2002

Was it or wasn't it? Something unusual did occur.
The dreams are most vivid. Did the dreams force me to do?
And if the dreams are the key that unlocks the hidden,
Whether desires or secret pasts or future events,
Are my dreams driving my actions?

And the carnal world, it no longer exists.
Driven beyond reach of my uncut fingernails,
Intentionally left to grow to attain the maddening,
Driving force that once pleasantly possessed.
The carnal desires seem to have been buried.

But buried under what?
Pain is the logical choice, the mental anguish
Flamed and fanned so suddenly,
The physical pain omniscient and omnipotent.

Pain is god.
Hand herein lies the crux of the disease.
If there can be no other Supreme Being
Than god with a capital "g",
The allowance of pain as another perverse,
Lesser, idol has seeped into the center
Of my being, robbing me of the will to live.
Pain is my god.

© 2002

Starting like
a tiny twinkling of a star
throbbing gently
ever so slowly
taking over my one half of my sight.
Multicolored rainbow
of pulsating sparkles
moving across my visual screen
until I can barely see around it
yet making me feel
queasy and nauseated.
Then soon it disappears
leaving behind
on the opposite side
of my once happy head
a hammering pounding
mind blasting ache.
I need some magic
pill to relieve the pain
from this shard of glass
wedged in my head.
Give me some peace
in a room
with darkness
and silence.

© 2002

Stop this now before I quit.
I don't need you or want you, I never did.
You just linger on and on
Until I loosen your wound up leash
But. you always come back
Why do you come back?
I warned you so many times.
This is not a joke
I have never laughed once.
The only emotion you caused was sadness and tears
Why are you so painful?
With seemingly no end?
Do I deserve this unreasonable punishment?
Does this make me a bad person?
Look, I'm tired of being put in the corner
To stand out from the crowd
They all look at me and don't understand,
Well I don't understand either
Why did you pick me?
Please ease up, please
Don't do this to your next owner
Just stop, stop doing this
To everyone you meet
No one wants this treatment
Remember the damage you caused me
And I will release hoping you will soon stop.

© 2002

© 2002