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All alone in the dark, a child hears her parents.
Screaming, they're always screaming.
Piercing through the young child’s head,
they never knew she was there.
 All alone. She looks to the streets for her own family now,
not bound by blood, but something much thicker.
Betrayal seeks them out of the night
and sends them looking for others.
She has nowhere to run, no longer a place to hide.
The screams go on inside her now, as she watches herself move.
All alone. No longer a child, but not quit an adult, she's torn between two
worlds.
No one told her it wasn't her fault,
no one explained that it happens sometimes.
She watches the world from the inside now,
she's too far away to reach,
She's all alone.
How could she have lost so much, and only lived so long?
She'll never know the true answer to this, she's much too far away.
Six feet, an inch...we'll never know...she's all alone. She watched all her
loved ones, just slip away.
Why didn't they come looking for her?
Go into her world of pain? It’s not my fault and never will be again, they
should have told me, when I was her.
All alone in the dark.

© 2002

Is the world crooked,
or is it I?
I cannot tell,
It's a trick of the eye!  

The walls pulsate--
within, I spin--
my brain is pounding
out and in!

If I could but regurgitate,
perhaps it wouldn't be too late
to avoid this purgatory
of another miserable migraine story!

© 2002

Where pain lives,
Nothing gives.
Nobody knows.
Relentless, unforgiving.

Pounding, pulsing,
Flashing lights.
Consuming agony,
I have no rights.

Relax, they say.
Not a clue.
It will go away.
Not today.

I take control,
I will have my way.
I do what I must,
It will go away.

© 2002

Coming apart from mind
is what I fear may evolve.
Sixteen and confused
what was going on?
Mood Disorder the doc said.
Just a chemical imbalance that’s all.

Now 4 years, and many meds later
I have realized many things
I have what my Dad has
I have a mental Illness
I  am not crazy but can be.

I can be many things
But what is best of all,
Is that no matter what
I am still me, and not
my father.

© 2002

I wonder if she knows why
I sit staring at every breath
Does she know my hearts a flutter
Focused, praying to stave off death.

Does she know of my intentions
How much trust does she allow
Is her heart secure knowing,
That I am here for her now.

Why is her sleep so calm and quiet
She looks so peaceful lying there
Snoozing cozily as a baby,
The lights glistening on beautiful hair.

I sit staring at her counting
One by one
Freckles on her pretty face
I hope I am never done.

Gently She squeezes my hand
Till the pain does pass
Softly she purrs surprises
Until uncomforts pass.

How much would I pay
What I would not give
To take away all her trials
Ease the way we live

The moon and stars I'd give right now
To take away her pain
Any price is not too much
For her to feel well again

I long for her to chastise me
Playfully for an error
Smack my arm or pinch my chest
For being such a starer.

I wish that she would sit up
Call me a dork then slap my hand
Be all better
It would certainly be grand

It is incredibly hard to see
The one you love weak and sore
Laying in her sick bed
Rent and looking so poor.

I wish that I could take her now
And hold her in my arms so tight
Whisk her away form all these things
And with my love make it right.

Alas she still is lying next to me
Restfully sleeping as she might
I lean over and gently kiss her
Whispering all will be all right.

Gently she reacts
Heartbeats faster just a bit
Then she relaxes
The painful expressions quit.

She is oblivious to the change
So subtle and so distant
But I see the difference is her face
It happened in an instant.

I whisper to her how I feel
Confess my heart and soul
Hoping that it might help
Reduce her pains toll.
Her lies the beautiful woman
That would not take a no
She gave me many chances
Until I said I'd go

She is so pretty
Funny and very kind
To like the likes of me
She must have lost her mind

But yet she does
Love me alone
Beauty and the beast
Right inside my home.

Never before have I been
So happy as I am now
She breathes new life into me
To her my heart I avow

Arise now my darling
Come with me and dance
If only in my dreams
Can the two of us prance.

Hold me in your arms my darling
Squeeze me very tight
Sleep with me my darling
Dream of me tonight.

Soon you will be better
Soon you will stand again
then walk with me my sweetie
I pray tonight Amen.

© 2002

MY DEAMONS SLEEP WITH ME IN MY BED OF THORNS
THEY GUIDE MY THOUGHTS AND ALWAYS KEEP ME IN REACH
THEY PINCH MY SPINE AND BEAT MY HEAD TO STIR MY SLEEP
THEY THREATEN TO CRUSH MY SKULL IF I DO NOT SUBMIT
THEY FILE DOWN MY NERVES OF RESISTANCE
I CRY AND GIVE WAY TO THEIR HIDEOUS LAUGHTER AT MY PAIN
THEY CHALLENGE MY HEART TO BEAT AND MY EYES TO SEE
THEY PICK AT MY BRAIN WITH NEEDLES OF FIRE
I AM AT THEIR MERCY
I BEG TO DIE
I CAN'T LIVE WITH YOUR TORTURE
THEY DEVOUR MY SOUL AND SAVOR THEIR REVENGE

© 2002

DRIFTING

The storm clouds build slowly
Unnoticed.
Laying heavy on the horizon, they continue to build
Until
That crackle of lightening
Releases the storm’s full fury.

With the storm raging inside my head
Every whisper is deafening thunder
Every light is a blinding bolt of lightening
that sends white-hot pain
Searing through my brain.

As the storm continues to rage,
the sea, like my stomach, churns violently.

Adrift on the raging sea,
I vainly search for a
quiet, safe
harbor.

In the distance, I see a harbor
Awaiting me there are
Calm, quiet, dark waters that are
Safe from the storm’s ravages.
I dock myself in the tranquil waters and
Wait for the storm to pass.

I look beside me.
There you are,
and HUNDREDS more like you!
Setting sail
Oblivious to the storm around me.
How can the seas around ME
Rage so violently,
Yet you, you sail free?

As time passes,
My waters will calm.
I will sail again.

© 2002

© 2002

I promised myself I would never feel the intense throbbing, that I would
never acknowledge you again, but you consume me as a thief in the night.
I paste myself camouflaged on the ceiling intent upon hiding from your dark,
invasive presence but you find me and inflict as pain as a cobra to its prey.
Or maybe I loose myself in a moment from the past, the future and you
slither and devour me as I devoured the forbidden fruit.

Go away please.
You hurt you rob and the tears your bring rain death as ruby as sliced
wrists, cherry red blood flowing and easing onto the constant cloak of dread.
Dread that erodes the limestone life, covers the pleasures in awful pain,
shadows the true self in the presence of self-doubt.
Pushes the inner being toward a death wish, the desire for solitude, and
drowning in self-absorbed sorrow.

Please end.
It is the death of friendships and family, loosing touch with God, it is the
disintegration of your self - esteem and self - determination
The whole complete self that once naturally existed and is never coming
back. Facing the fact that pain rules life more than God, a depressing truth.
So, enjoy the day.

© 2002

Here it comes . . . the pain I fear the most.
My medicine isn't working, I am on a downward coast.
Unable to drive, I call for assistance . . .
"Could you get me to a Physician?"
My tone most insistent . . .
The nurse turns off the lights as I lie on the table,
"The doctor will be in as soon as he is able."
I am now in a fetal position, my head hangs
over the table
I have to throw up . . . my stomach is not stable.
Finally the doctor enters the room . . .
His attitude I can sense . . .
my body is so tense . . .
He tells me "It's all in your head"
"Get some rest, go back to bed"
I knew it when he entered the room . . .
He leaves me with nothing . . . but doom.
"You're right," I whisper . . .
It is "All in my head . . .
with pain so intense at times I wish I were dead!"
"Perhaps you need counseling" he counters
under his breath . . .
"What I need is treatment, not wishing for death."
He writes a prescription and leaves it on the table . . .
"You can get up now . . .
     whenever you are able."

© 2002

I don’t know why I do some things.
I cant understand this complication.
I wish I was innocent. I wish I understood.
Why.
It hurts and it haunts terribly.
I see things in black. No color to life.
I want to die. I don't want to suffer anymore
.... suffer from my mind.
I don't want to hold it all in.
I don't understand myself and my mind.
I want to run and run away.
I was so innocent as a child.
What happened to me? Who did this to me?
Why can't I win this battle I fight?
This battle I fight continuously.
I have too many battle scars. Please help me heal.
I can't fight it anymore.
I can't tackle these things in my mind any longer.
I swore in my mind today I was beyond help.
I need help with my mind. Please God help me.
Please help me. I can't go any further into my pit.
I cannot be haunted and hurting anymore.
I am lost and I just want to die where I am.

© 2002

I sit here waiting patiently
And wipe away a tear
Wishing that my daughter
Would suddenly appear

For her to say, "How are you Mom?"
And greet me with a smile
Just to sit beside me
To talk for a little while

It's hard for me to understand
Just what I'm doing here
What happened to my family
I know they used to care

How come I've been abandoned
Like some old worn out shoe
What crime have I committed
What bad thing did I do

True, I have a bed to sleep in
And I'm sheltered from the rain
But there's precious little else
To ease my loneliness and pain

I'm only one of many
Alone and sad today
Who finds the price for longer life
Is much to high to pay

This picture could be quickly changed
If everyone would spend
Some extra time just visiting
A mother, father, or friend

I'm shut away from all the things
That once were held so dear
And I need to be reminded
That someone is still near

To take me by the hand and say
I've missed you mom, and smile
And then sit close beside me
Just to love me for a while.

© 2002

I try to enjoy it but there's too much strain
It causes a change in my migraine brain
I want the pleasure but I get the pain
Because of the problem I have to abstain.
No one knows just why it takes place
I only know it's is too hard to face
And nothing I take nor the way that I pace
Can stop the pain coming or me in its place.
"Not tonight, dear heart, I don't need the headache"
He answers, "OK,” just for my sake.

© 2002

© 2002